On blogging and writing styles.

(I should be studying for my ECON exam, but I feel too conflicted about doing anything about it.) 

As I may have bypassed a couple of entries ago, I’m currently interning @ Wanderrgirl.com, which, I think, is one of the most amazing things that happened to me this year. (I mean, after my interview, I literally told myself — Come on, Nica, admit it, you’ve never been this close to something you wanted this badly before!!) So imagine the gravity of my ecstasy (nako teh, dahan dahan sa term) when I found out she decided to give me a chance!

Why was I so worked up about it? I don’t know. Something about this internship gave me a sense of active-ness, of participation, of being able to do something for others. It felt inspiring to be in every meeting. (no joke) — and I absolutely got my creative juices back. But that, altogether, is another blog entry to talk about. 

One thing really different about the Wanderrgirl environment was their take on Blogging. This little cyberspace of mine, I’ll probably admit, is but another cyber trash to somebody’s browser history, but I don’t really mind. I love writing my feelings out and I know I have a somewhat different way of doing it. Somehow there was pressure to make my online space a non-vomit word kind of place. Which I totally see the point in, and which I think, should be an advocate of every blogger. But somehow, I can’t help but go back to my habits of just writing.

Just writing because I want to, just writing because I feel like my thoughts have significance (and at some point, I’ve stopped caring if they did have to other people). I’ve stopped enslaving myself to the idea that YOU FUCKING NEED TO READ THIS. Somehow, that’s what have kept my writing. 

While I admit I may not have the whole “writing” personna owned, I don’t really mind. This tumblr has always been the crazy run-through of this delusional mind of mine, and I don’t mind it being that way. It’s a way for me to organize my thoughts, my opinions, and my feelings. A bit messy, but I’ll say it’s still beautiful, nonetheless.

While I have nothing against purpose-ful writing (I think it’s really commendable, considering where I’m coming from), I think this is the only time I am fully able to accept my abilities, and place, regarding it. 

Writing is a beautiful. 

So cheers to blogging, or writing in general, for whatever purpose we all have. 

Half-empty swears and promises

If there is one thing a bored person shouldn’t ever do, it’s to look back and read old conversations. Unfortunately I had the time. I went through all the jokes and the paasa moments through all your promises and swear-bys and all your excuses and live-bys.

I always tell the story, cutted, rephrased, undersold in such a way to make people think you were always at fault, and that I never really cared for much. Truth be told I had always been scared, scared to admit to myself and to others of all the things I have gone through. The pain, the hope, the what-ifs and the what-could-haves. Scared to actually tell the tale of how delusional and pitiful I was back then, to think I should accept something everybody else thought I deserve. To think I tried my best to fight hard for it, and yet you always come back down at me with a simple, “Baka mamaya sasabihin mo pinapaasa kita.”

And why shouldn’t I when it’s the truth? You always did it, you always thought you could play and toy with my feelings just like that. You always hide it under the premise of a joke and think that it’s all okay. 

Let me tell you now then: It was never okay.

Because young me thought it was okay too, at that time. It was okay for somebody like you to make her hope and to make her cling on to your words. It was at most devastating to finally slap myself in the cheek and say talagang maniniwala ka parin? Hanggang ngayon?

But now, three years after, everything seemed like a blur, like nothing ever happened. I have already sworn off to you that I’ll never show my face again (albeit, a little bit too Constellations-y) and I’m happy I am able to keep that promise. There was never a closure between the two of us but I’m glad I was able to close things off with myself. In that I have closed off all possibilities of what-ifs, in that I have shut my mind against the idea that you may be, just maybe, holding on to the same things as I am.

And I just thought, if two years wasn’t enough for you to notice that, I don’t know how long, and I’m not sure how if I could wait.

But ever since that night, I never waited for anybody else. 

If there’s something I had to be good at

it’s probably hiding my tears in a room full of people. 

and sleeping while crying. 

Maybe, just maybe, tears can ever change a person’s heart. But it never does. 

The next nine! I’ve also figured I’ll stop reblogging my photography photos. If you want to view them, I guess it’s better to just link it to my actual photoblog site

1. Finally tried KatsucCafe just behind Bo’s! I think I want another try!
2. I’m now a freaking Wanderrgirl!!! Tried out this new thing called Design Thinking! 
3. My aunt went home from the UK bringing us some bunny Maltesers. I found it pretty entertaining…
4. LOL. Ateneo in the fall. Feeling pahipster and shit.
5. Helped my friends with their Marketing-slash-Photoshop needs! I do it too, sometimes.. for free. They treated to Red Mango!
6. FINALLY BOUGHT A SECOND HAND INSTAX from a good old friend!
7. ok
8. Went back to my high school. IT HAS BEEN SUCH A WHILE IT FELT LIKE A WHOLE NEW WORLD #FEELS
9. My good friend Earl Burgos bought and brought 4 SNR pizzas to school that day for his birthday!  teyhey!

Instagram!

Running thoughts and running tears

With two of my major academic requirements due both on the same day and other shenanigans in between, I was left with three hours of sleep on a Sunday night (Morning morning actually). The day went by pretty okay and all we wanted to do was celebrate the end of the report that pushed us to wake up at 7am in the morning (for days) to practice. So we headed to Kapitolyo and had some good ‘ol Poco Deli’s food. When the sun set we were all sleepily conversing in Papu’s condo.

Talk about a burn-out.

After a good while I felt a minute nap and decided to tell my friends it’s time to head back home. I was still knocked-out from the day’s events but I had people to converse with all the way till Katipunan.

From Katipunan to the ride home I was alone, and I thought, okay, I just wanna get home quick. Lord please let me get home. If I can stay awake for 10 minutes I’ll be home. KAYA TO. You’ve been awake for 15++ minutes, you can do a little more!!

I fell asleep and the next thing I knew I heard a big BOOM and my windshields went wild and my all my headlights were up and I found an acacia tree infront of me. 

To my right was the UP guardhouse and two security personnel walked over and assisted me

I couldn’t stop crying.

Not because I was thinking of all the consequences that this will follow, not because ang laking gastos nanaman, not because I don’t have a car anymore but more of…

What if hindi lang ako sa poste tumama?

Beside the post is an acacia tree (reference to the photo). What if I hit the acacia tree instead? What if it was another truck? 

What if I didn’t wake up from that?

Even though everyone told me we all go through this and it happens to everyone of us, you don’t understand.

It’s like being at the mercy of death. For as all I know I could have swiveled to the left instead and hit another approaching truck or went against another metal gate. But no. I swerved to right, just right, just enough to wreck that side of the car only. Just enough to hit the street sign and not the acacia tree. Just enough to wake me up, just enough to startle me. 

Literally, like death giving you a second chance. It’s like God is telling you, o ayan, warning yan. I got to stare at my car for a good 20 minutes and I everytime I do, I can’t believe I’m standing in front of it and everybody could see me, could hear me, could say that I was alive. I couldn’t believe that I can actually call my mom and sob and mutter only the words of I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry not because I wrecked the car, but I’m sorry because I know it’s my fault. I should have taken a nap in my car while I was at JSEC or something. I should have bought coffee, but no — I decided I could drive, when I really couldn’t. 

I couldn’t believe I even came out unscratched. There were no tears of hurt but rather tears of fear, thankfulness, fear, and more fear. 

In that everytime I get home unscratched, I realize how lucky I am. Today we went to the police department and my mom told me to get photos of the street sign that went under me. It was a surreal feeling. 

All those words that I would like to describe the experience would do no justice as they have been overused and abused. It was traumatizing, I was so scared. I almost died, really.

It felt like a blessed accident, if you ask me. So thank You. :) 

Sorry UP, it was my fault.

Thank you parental units, for telling me that it’s good experience — and left it at that. Thank you n for helping me stabilize myself, even just through the phone. Thank you Papu for letting me charge my phone while I was at your place. Thank you friends who wished well that I was okay. Thank You for giving me another chance.

So instead of putting them up here post by post, I decided to make a summary of every 10 instagram that I do. Since I still swear by using it!

1. Spent the whole day deliberating for our board of associates. Coming home at 1 am and being this mentally and emotionally tired was a first-timer
2. Leaves fell in Ateneo! “Feeling fall.”
3. Monthsary dinner with other Regensburgers ++ Wilver! @ Poco Deli
4. Ate sausages and drank some beer. Walk to Madmark’s after and got some ice cream!!
5. Cleaning up :) #nostalgia #gift #you (#aychos)
6. Ate at iHOP with some JTA-A people! Banapple blueberry pancakes were better tho!
7. If you weren’t so informed, I collected figurines of famous landmarks from every city I went to in Europe, can’t wait for the rest to arrive!
8. #Throwback photo!! While we were skating in Winter Wonderland @ London </3 #feels
9. AMA Year End Party!
10. AEGIS 2013 Yearbook distribution! Apparently, being in the photography team puts you in the “legit” credits page

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